A while ago we watched ‘Equilibrium’. It’s a film set in a bleak future where emotion is forbidden and people are forced to take drugs to suppress their feelings. Clearly the film presents this as a bad situation, but ironically I hadn’t realised just how bad it could be.
Some time ago I started taking the mini pill. In many ways this was an excellent thing. Apart from the contraceptive benefits it also completely suppressed my periods; which were sometimes very uncomfortable. I remember reading the accompanying leaflet and expressing distress at the possible ‘changes in sex drive’. On taking it though, it seemed fine. After taking it for a month I did suspect it had lowered my libido a little but I’m pretty highly sexed normally so there seemed little harm.
I assumed that was that. But although you age a little every day, you never notice it in the mirror in the morning. So bring us up to a few months ago, and our sex life had dropped off almost entirely. When we tried to talk about it, I figured it must be the classic ‘not enough foreplay’ but somehow I could never respond enthusiastically. I dread to think how long this situation might have continued had I not developed other side effects (itching) which made intercourse actually uncomfortable as opposed to merely unexciting.
We went to see a doctor, who after taking a good look, suggested that the problem might be caused by the pill and suggested I come off it. I could see my husband’s face freeze instantly, he was not keen on this idea, but we had nothing else to try.
Even so it took a few weeks before I decided to stop taking it; but after all, I could always start again if it didn’t help. After four days the itching was almost gone, and then, the most amazing thing, I found my pussy was damp. It was a bit like hitting puberty again. I was amazed. I was astonished that I had forgotten that my body used to do that. And then, really like puberty, I kissed my husband and ‘Whoosh’! Talk about a sudden rush of lust. I’d forgotten how it felt, simply to kiss. I really fancy this man!
I rediscovered sex a bit like a traveller in the desert discovering water, drinking thirstily, desperately. Then to my continued surprise, following naturally on, came my submissive feelings, pouring back into me, and I felt suddenly whole. Myself again.
Looking back though, I feel angry. Angry that nobody warned me this could happen, that the pill could steal my enjoyment and lust away, slowly and stealthily. Angry for me, but most of all for my husband. I denied him everything I promised to give him so long before; not simply my body, but my pleasure, my enthusiasm for him and for all that we can do together.
I am still amazed that he bore that time so patiently, still loving and generous, never angry or resentful with me over my rejection of him. I feel such sorrow that I could have hurt him so badly, even unwillingly. I don’t know how to get past that yet.
My renewed submission is now a continuation of something we started exploring, tentatively, so long ago, and I am grateful, that he has let me so readily return to joy. Too, I am determined not to let him down. He has earned my devotion many times over, and I will repay in such currency as I have, and as he chooses *grin*.