11 December 2014
11 November 2014
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Mat recently showed me a blog post. Beautifully written, it described how wonderful it felt to tie someone up. Oh, how well I know that feeling.
In fact it described how amazing it felt to tie him up. Oh, how very well indeed do I know that feeling.
Yet despite that, despite my love and longing for those moments it’s something I do very rarely and I found myself thinking about why that is. The reasons are these:
- Lack of time. To tie my Boy needs a couple of hours without distractions or disturbances. It’s not something you can easily even stop to answer the door. Those hours are hard to find. It means not doing something else. If I tie him up then we won’t have time to catch up on that latest episode of ‘Scott and Bailey’ and I know he’s been waiting for us to have the time to watch it.
- Lack of confidence. I’m not yet good enough, I don’t captivate him. I’m not the easy confident rigger he desires. Things go wrong and he isn’t comfortable with it. He loses focus, starts commenting and criticising and my confidence dips still further. I become more hesitant and the problem increases.
- Fear of rejection. I want to suggest it but I know he’ll probably say ‘no’. Now’s not the time,he’s tired, we’re too busy, can we watch ‘Scott and Bailey’ instead? Each of those rejections cuts me, this is something I want, need, so much. It seems less painful to stay quiet and simply imagine the rope twisting through my hands.
But I want and need so much more than that.
So I’m going to do one thing to try to fix this. I’m going to demand some time from my Boy. A specific couple of hours, for me, to do what I need. I’ll blindfold him or gag him if I need to; but I need his body, relatively willing, for me to experiment on.
It may not be exactly what he wants, but it will be what I need. Time to play, with no need to meet anyone’s standards but my own. Time to experiment, to make mistakes but most of all to take pleasure in the rope and in my Boy.
And when he says ‘yes’, I’m going to make sure I keep asking and making that time until I can be the rigger (and Domme) he needs as much as the one I want to be.
30 October 2014
17 October 2014
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There is one gesture that will melt my heart and move me. One little thing that means so much and it is this, my boy kneeling at my feet.
It’s simple, non sexual, even publicly acceptable but it puts our D/s relationship in central space for that moment.
I had Mat kneel for me recently in a busy town centre. I was amused (and not entirely surprised) at the cries of “say Yes” that ensued. What those observers didn’t know is in that moment we were both saying “yes” to each other. This gesture from him at my command underlines who we are.
He kneeled at my feet atop a beautiful hill as I sat on a throne like rock, my willing submissive, my boy, my own. No queen ever felt so powerful, so respected or so worshipped as I did then.
Mat kneeled at my feet unbidden at the end of a hard day and helped me off with my shoes. As he gently massaged my feet, I felt loved and cared for. A simple service, spontaneously offered and the more precious for it. He gave me his submission without words and I took it with joy.
It is a gesture that sums up who we are. It never fails to move me deeply. At my feet, my Boy offers himself and I accept gladly. I give him my love and my approval. There is no quicker way to my heart.
This then is my favourite view of my Boy.
10 October 2014
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So many posts start ‘we went to a play party’ but this was our first this year. Yes, you read that correctly. For various reasons formal public play has been missing for a while and that is not good for Mat or for me.
So the result was a trip out to a new event, a new venue and with new people. I was nervous and uncertain and arriving early to a brightly lit empty room with a few people on one side propping up the bar did little to reassure. I didn’t feel like a Domme at that moment and whether Mat responded to that lack, or his uncertainty increased my own I’m not sure but we struggled to find our respective headspaces.
We decided to explore the venue (primarily a swingers club). We found a small dungeon, reassuringly dark and with a few pieces of furniture. That space gave me somewhere to relax, the confidence to put my Boy safely on his lead and to start to play.
Still it was awkward, clumsy, nervous and uncertain. It wasn’t until I had my Boy on all fours on the bed and was pounding into him with my strap-on that I really began to feel like myself again.
I had a wonderful time flogging him, in a gently therapeutic (for both of us) way. We enjoyed watching some boys being thoroughly abused, well I definitely enjoyed it. I even just about found time to use Mat’s boy-cunt again before the evening was over.
And so, finally, we went home, to fall asleep in happy exhaustion. Knowing we need to do this again much more often.
2 October 2014
A post for National Poetry Day.
Unconstrained and uncontrolled
Kisses that blend souls.
Hands touching, tearing
At each others flesh;
A need that cannot be delayed
That must instantly be met.
Bodies lost in pleasure
Yet seeking hungrily for more,
To sink into each others depths
And find themselves anew.
Or rebirth of the soul,
No one is unchanged
By this sacrifice of all.
Surrender to emotion,
To the most physical of needs,
Triumph in the glory,
That erotic release gives.
Be only in this moment
Yourself and other, now
Coupled and self-centred
In most exquisite joy.
Reaching for the infinite
Forever out of reach
Driven ever deeper
By passion’s endless kiss.
© Caitlin 2013
25 September 2014
It was a lovely day, warm and beautiful and the woods were deserted, so obviously we got naked. Well, I say deserted…while Mat and I were talking a walk here we were accosted by a polite but fascinated observer. After a little chat he went on his way leaving us to take this photograph.
Woods are another Scavenger Hunt location. I make this my fifteenth!